Please Stand By...
Monday, March 15, 2010 at 5:30PM ...we are experiencing technical difficulties.
Ed, my husband, in all his great wisdom this morning said, "It's like you're gay and in the closet. Except you're depressed and are afraid to tell anyone."
But how full of myself am I, that I'm not only a painter, but an artist, and a depressed one at that.
"I am very depressed and deeply disgusted with painting. It is really a continual torture." (Claude Monet)
The past few weeks have been exhausting on both myself and my family. I feel every bad thing in the whole world then nothing at all.
"I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top." (John Keats)
I slug around, moping and sleepy and can barely do a single thing in one day.
"Every act of life, from the morning toothbrush to the friend at dinner, became an effort. I hated the night when I couldn't sleep and I hated the day because it went toward night." (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
I struggle to express what's going on in my head only to mumble a bit and...
"To have gone to all this trouble to get to this is just too stupid! Outside there's brilliant sunshine but I don't feel up to looking at it..." (Claude Monet)
If I were to look at me from the outside, I'd kick myself in the arse and go shopping instead.
"What's the use? The people are too stupid. They do not understand." (Winslow Homer)
I am taking my life moment by moment. I do not know what I will eat for dinner tonight. I don't even know IF I will eat. I'm not even clear on what I'm doing now. I got up today and that's about the best I can offer you right now.
"Keep painting your demons." (Jack Beal)
I'm trying.
All I ask of you, dear reader is to give me a moment to collect my thoughts and stick around a bit longer as I'm sure the medicine will kick in soon enough and I will be painting quicker than you can say...
Many thanks to http://quote.robertgenn.com/
If you would like to know more about dysthymic disorder or major depression, I've found this article to be helpful and comprehensive.
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/290686-overview
Reader Comments (9)
I am sending you lots of hugs and well-wishes. I know those dark times can be tough, but just know that you have a whole lot of fans, friends and family who do wish you the best and will be right here. Take all of the time you need- I hope things calm down in that heart/mind of yours <3
For what it's worth, I'm a big fan and wish you the best.
Thank you both so much. It took a lot just to write it today but I did it :) I kept singing that song from "A Year Without a Santa Claus" -- "Put One Foot In Front Of the Other", and soon you'll be walking cross the floor...
I can't claim to know how you feel, but reading your entry, I can certainly relate to much of what you say. I've suffered from depression for many years, and sometimes it feels like living only part of a normal life. Sometimes I feel happy and creative, but other times I just feel paralyzed, incapable of making even the simplest decisions. Unable to remember how I felt when I was happy, or if I was ever happy at all. And then one day it just passes. Hopefully you will feel better soon, so that you can get back to living and being creative and happy again.
Also, I just wanted to say that I love your paintings, they're so good! :) And I still love my zombie handmade plush. In fact I built a little coffin for him to sleep in; I should send you a picture of it sometime!
Oh...I luv that song Kristin! I hope that it comes to fruition for you hun.....sending you a good tail wind ;)
Hope you're feeling better real soon!
"Soon you'll be walking across the floor"......brilliant! And that is my favorite Christmas Program ever, too! I will remind myself to take it to heart as well, although some days..........
I have a mounted print of Cluster Headache in my craft closet/storage (where I spend TONS of time hiding) and it makes me happy every time I see it there. I hope the coming hours / days/ weeks bring you some of that happiness back around your way. I know this fan will still be here.
Hope you feel better soon - we are a house of various levels of depression(from mild to bi-polar) so I understand and can tell you that things *will* get better :)
Hey Kris. It's painful to hear that someone, who I've always imagined to be so chipper, is in pain right now. I really hope that you can work it all out and get back on top of things. You need your inner peace and the world needs your wonderful creations.
Be well soon Kris.
Jay
Many thanks everyone. I'm being well-cared for and taking my time and I'm just beginning to feel that the worst may be over...that feeling alone is welcome, even if it proves to be untrue :) One more quote that I loved for those of you in a similar boat, "Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life." (Art Buchwald)